This Life…

Do you ever experience periods of time when you wish you were a different person or in a different place? Right now this life of mine isn’t cutting the mustard. Nobody get their hackles up! I desire change, not endings! I did something tonight that I haven’t done in quite some time – I grabbed my purse and car keys and left the house! Due to the weather a pipe burst in the kitchen. Water was pouring out from underneath the dishwasher, flooding the kitchen. I felt as though I was Offissa Pupp being hit in the head by one of Ignatz Mouse’s bricks! All I could think of was here is another expense and the Sister will have a breakdown! I looked at the Husband and told him my strength has totally ebbed. I’m a burden on my family due to lack of employment. The only things I’m good for are home repairs and cooking. He held me, reiterated how much he loves me but tears never burst forth. I’m empty…I’m nothing…I feel worthless. We were able to call in an emergency plumber but all he was able to do was shut off the hot water leading into the kitchen – he’s booked for the next week. The Hubby and I mopped up and dried the kitchen as best as we could and I put up dinner – a big pot of chicken barley soup! When the Sister came home I attempted to give her a hug. I think I did this to reassure myself but the token of affection was not received well nor was it reciprocated. While the hot water in the kitchen is off, we decided to use disposable utensils. I served the Sister some soup but her bowl broke. Hot soup splattered on the stove, the counter and her hand! I was mortified and ran for something cold in the freezer to help with the burn. She positively blew up! She yelled at the mess, at the garbage can, at the state of the house… I know she is frightened about finances! We live paycheck to paycheck! I’ve been swallowing my own fears and insecurities so as not to upset her and worsen her doubts but I lost it tonight. All I could think of is she’s too good for this mess of our lives. I can provide the history of this but it would require another post or two. In a nutshell we come from a highly dysfunctional home where money and emotions were never valued very highly. My thought tonight as I was running is that she deserves better…a better life and a different sibling. Sadly, she’s saddled with me. In my heart I truly believe things will improve. Do I have the right to wallow for a little bit? Maybe tonight but as Scarlett O’Hara said “Tomorrow is another day!” I pray a new day provides a fresh, clearer outlook on this life of mine!

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