Shattered Dreams…

Today is the Hubby’s birthday. Mine follows eight days later. In between these two dates would have been our son’s birthday…if his heart had continued beating in utero. Having children wasn’t meant to be for us. We weren’t dealt the family card in our hand from destiny. Logically I realize it was happenstance but the emotional part of me believes it was a curse sent forth by a former family member. This person was close to my Mother but very jealous of her for some unknown reason. When I was 20 years old, this individual took me aside and, in front of Mom told me I was never wanted by my parents or the extended family. If this was so, I could never tell judging by the amount of love lavished upon the Sister and yours truly! If only the “truths and prophecies” ended there… This person went on to say, “I pray you never marry but if you do, I hope he is abusive and has addiction issues. And, if you are fortunate enough to wed, I hope you never have children. If you are lucky enough to give birth, may all your children be handicapped.” With that, my Mother grabbed me, questioned her family member regarding the vile treatment, held me and staunched my tears. I wrote this person out of my life. Luckily, after several family members passed away during this decade, get-togethers were few and far between. The tears dried but the memory niggled at the back of my mind. Thirteen years later, the Hubby and I were married and my clock didn’t just tick, it chimed loudly like Big Ben! Five years after our wedding, we were pregnant. I was under a huge amount of stress at this time as my Father was rushed to the hospital with a ruptured colon. He was in a coma for almost 4 weeks and total hospitalization was three months. Needless to say, I lost our first child. We didn’t give up hope and, with assistance, conceived again two years later but lost the baby barely a minute into the first trimester. Our son was conceived in 2004. Based upon the previous pregnancies, I was allowed to go to work but I had to come right home and put my feet up. Exercising was light and the list of avoidable foods was endless. I craved peanut butter with apples or celery. The hubby looked at me like I had just sprung a new head but he made sure we were well stocked. When we saw/heard the baby’s heartbeat, we were over the moon! I actually thought we had surpassed the curse! The heartbeat was stronger on the next visit! Eff you, former family member! The next time…crickets… We waited a few days and tried again. Nothing was seen or heard. We lost again… No baby blankets would be crocheted. I buried “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” at the very back of our bookcase. We have three angel babies; never to be held in our arms but always in our hearts. Our son would be turning thirteen next week. We would be preparing for his Bar Mitzvah. My Mother passed away two years after we lost our last baby. We know in our hearts that she is very busy in heaven, kvelling over her grandchildren and making preparations for her grandson’s entry into manhood. It hurts so much! What more is there to say?

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